Boy's want baby's too...

One man's experience of being the 'other part' of IVF

As some of you will have seen my wife Leanne has started to document our journey through the challenges of starting a family in 2023 (or in our case 2020) and the journey of IVF.

She has asked me if I would consider joining her from 'a guys perspective' which as you can imagine... absolutely not. We are men and we don't talk about this stuff... Which is why she's encouraged me to put on my big boy pants and open up about the challenges.

As I'm no good at this kind of stuff I've basically copied her to give you a bit about me and how the journey is from the other side.

Who Am I?

I know in Leanne's original post she gave a bit of an introduction as to who we are and how we met so enough about her lets talk about me... (anybody who knows me knows that sounds about right anyway lol).

I always thought I would do things right. Work hard, find the lady, get married and have the family which was always on the cards whilst growing up. When me and Leanne first met she actually didn't want kids so I have no doubt that us saying we are on a journey of child making will have, at some point been a surprise to some of our friends!

We met when we worked at Morrisons and to say it was love at first sight wouldn't be much of an understatement from me. The hot goth girl who was right up my street and of course was out of my league! I'm pretty sure she thought the same because the only recount she has of ever fancying me was that 'you had a nice bum' apparently...

But undeterred I somehow managed to get this girl to fall in love with me, buy a house and eventually marry me!

After a bit of time together we always knew that the next part of discussion with friends and family always resulted in them asking the questions around children.

Bloomin heck Dave, you and Leanne have been together a long time! Kids still not on the cards?

No Steve... (Not actually Steve but gives impact) We haven't got kids on the cards,,,

Oh no. How come mate just don't want them no?

Flippin heck pal, you guna buy me a few beers before I get open about emotional stuff!

Nah mate, reckon I must've been kicked in the bollox too hard cus it's never happened for us and we aren't too fused to be fair as we have the animals and busy with work and stuff.

Obviously all lies but I'm not going to get into the psychoanalytic's of it!

How did we approach the subject

After Leanne finished studying we knew we were getting older and thought birth control was no longer needed. It was never a sit down and discuss conversation but one of those things that just kind of happened. We had the general conversation in the car around do we or don't we want kids and every time, the discussion came back with the same response. We are both focussed on growing our careers, we never seem to have any spare money now and how do we deal with Leanne being self-employed and not being able to go to work?

But with all of the logic we came to the same conclusion. Yes it would be good if a family came along but it will happen when it happens. No planning, no rush as time is on our side and we are healthy people!

After a while of being a bloke and not really acknowledging the fact we weren't being careful and yet weren't conceiving Leanne abruptly approached the situation one night. "I want a baby..." silence... "What, for dinner?" don't be stupid Dave. Is it not weird that we've not been using protection for ages and we've still never conceived?

Naahhh, we're under pressure, we've not really been 'trying' to get pregnant and I'm a man and don't want to talk about the potential there could be something wrong because if we don't talk it isn't real.

After having a few too many drinks one afternoon (on my part) we spoke in more detail about the options that were available. Do we adopt? Do we foster? Do we dress the dog up like E.T.? None of these seemed to hit the mark and I could tell Leanne wasn't too keen on many of them although I did take a proactive view point and ventured into the adoption options a little more than her because I have a cousin who was adopted and he has never been any less of a cousin in my view than any of my biological cousins and I have a friend who has adopted who was amazing when it came to asking questions and for that I will be forever grateful! But we agreed that, really, if we wanted to start a family it should be 'our' family and we wanted to experience the whole thing together.

Where to start?

Leanne took a really proactive approach to this side of things and made some real good progress finding out what the steps were and how we started the process as she knew I was still uncomfortable talking about it.

The next thing I knew she had been to the doctors and I had to go on a phone call with them to give permission on one thing or another.

One day I got home from work and she told me I had to give a 'sample' and this lads and lasses is not how the movies have you believe... She was not there to give me the helping hand as they would have you believe in these love filled rom-coms.

No... it was me awkwardly bashing away in the comfort of my own bathroom with no blind wondering if the neighbours could see my shadow and if I could ever look them in the eyes again.

Once I had finished doing what god intended the race was on... We had an hour to get it to the clinic and this was in the midst of Covid so frantically calling them whilst trying to organise a time hoping that it wouldn't go past the deadline was a little less thrilling but we got there! And I can say with confidence... I did not walk in proud maintaining eye contact with the nurse who came to collect it. Although they were incredible the communication up to that point was none existent and frankly I left feeling a little like a dirty little boy.

For the next few days you have a range of anxiety and worry going through your head. What if I had an STI, what if it was all my fault what if there's never a chance for us!

Firstly... If there was an STI, I would have bigger problems in my life having been with Leanne since the age of 19 it would appear she is more than dissatisfied with me not just in the baby making abilities and if it was my fault there are options we can explore from here!

When we got the results it was a short abrupt phone call that informed me that I had a low sperm count and that accompanied with some horrendously long medical name that Leanne has would make it very difficult to conceive from here and we need to go to the next steps and that was that.

So all in all we both left that call not really knowing what to do from there and how to go about the next steps.

Leanne was still going through investigations and frustratingly from my side she always found things out when we weren't together. I don't mean frustratingly at her I mean that one of the main reasons me and Leanne have managed to navigate our lives together for so long is because we are able to genuinely support each other through things which isn't possible when you're out working and get an emotional message about another hurdle in the way!

My top tip to any NHS member of staff would be take a little more time and empathy and appreciate this is a group effort and nobody should be taking those calls alone because it's truly an emotional turmoil from there!

We're going to charge you the earth and you'll be happy about it

Once we got the results from the NHS we needed to take our next steps and try to establish a clear path of our journey so we could at least map out a bit of progress and timeframe to emotionally prepare. And let me tell you there is nothing more frustrating as trying to make a call regarding your own sexual health and not being able to get any of the answers for it when Leanne has been able to update me on the whole journey!

I called the NHS and they refused to communicate any information with me. Not in a nasty way, they were incredibly polite and you could hear in their tone that they understood how ridiculous the process was not being able to give me (50% of the process) any information on what we have to do on our next steps until Leanne was with me.

After we managed to talk to them in a little more detail we found out the Covid delay excuse was well in force and that Leanne's next checks would be up to 2 years of waiting.

I couldn't accept that. Not as a man who couldn't provide a family for my wife so we had a chat over a cup of tea and decided that we would explore the routes of private fertility.

Leanne managed to find a consultancy firm who were well regarded in the west midlands as we organised our respective appointments and away we went.

Leanne had hers first and came back absolutely buzzing! The experience was so different from what we had encountered from the NHS apparently. They were communicative, empathetic and made her feel truly comfortable.

Now it was my turn! On the hour drive there I was pretty relaxed and felt confident based on what Leanne had told me but when I arrived in the middle of a business estate to what looked like a normal office building I felt like I was about to go for a job interview.

Nerves eased and I went to walk in. BANG! door locked... This is not how you want your start to go... I rang the buzzer to a very friendly lady "Hello, how can I help?" Wow... I'm not sure my response here is appropriate so I sheepishly responded. Hi, yes I've got an appointment.

EEEHHHHHHH, as the door was opened from the other side it felt like the whole ground vibrated.

I went in and didn't know what to expect but it was an inherently clean and comfortable environment with really polite staff.

After a few minutes in the waiting room I got taken to a solitary room that looked like something from a Saw or Hostel movie and given the instructions. Again no grace, elegance or dignity, however there was a wide choice of film available which felt a little like something your aunty would pick you for your 18th birthday. Never the less with the aid of a mobile I did what I had to do and gave it my best shot...

Pitiful...

Needless to say I was out of there quicker than a blink of the eye and then we wait again.

The Results

After a few days of waiting we got a phone call from one of the doctors at the clinic who spent time on the phone with us going through everything!

I didn't have a low sperm count, there was a high possibility of us being able to conceive however we will need some support and he gave us a clear understanding of what steps to take next. First of which was to lose some of the gut!

The difference in service was night and day and the above is true. Yes it costs a lot of money but we are in the fortunate position to be able to cover those costs but the service levels are so much better and I know it is Leanne's preferred route.

The Guilt

Although the results and process has been vastly different between the two services the one big change between the two seems to be that my results have changed and Leanne's haven't.

I've always felt we are a partnership and compliment each other by covering off things the other isn't very good at and this journey seems to have taken that away.

I know through my journey getting the results of a low sperm count I thought I was part of the 'issue' with us conceiving and I truly look at this as OUR journey and wouldn't ever want Leanne to feel that it is her complications causing the issues.

Having spoken to friends who have gone through the same journey it feels like the degradation of spuffing into a cup seems to be the capacity of the mans involvement into the journey with the rest being left on the woman's shoulders which upto now, seems to have been the case with Leanne having gone through a lot more traumatic experiences than mine she seems to have gripped it with both hands and truly seems like a superhero around this stuff!

Final Words

After Leanne posted her original story I shared on my Facebook to say how proud I am of her owning this. It's a huge thing for any couple to go through and it comes with its challenges.

So follow us on the weight loss journey firstly and then we can get a bit more progress and update you along the way!

Since the original post I have since had so many male friends get in touch to say how they have been impacted by IVF and their journeys and it shows it isn't talked about half as much as it should be!

I know Leanne will be the one who goes through the majority of the treatment but this is our journey together and I have felt very left out in some of the stages so If any guy out there is feeling the same shout up, speak out and lets connect!

I am forever grateful to the guys that have been on hand to offer me the support whether that's a beer and a chat or a message over whatsapp it always goes further than you know.